There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just google imaged poop.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
