Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
