Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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