remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
