After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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