I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
