This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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