the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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