I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We're too hungover to prance.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
