I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
