I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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