shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
