Your mouth is God's brothel.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
