my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
