he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
