White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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