Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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