I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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