I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
