Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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