This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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