yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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