we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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