i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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