Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
