I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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