It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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