I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
