We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
