Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
