just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize