So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
