Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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