Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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