Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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