CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
