i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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