the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
