My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
