I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
