you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize