remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize