fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
