Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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