If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
