My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't turn off my feet"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
