Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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