tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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