I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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