do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize