theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just had sex on a roof
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
