so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
