I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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