like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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