the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
