And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
