The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
