Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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