The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
