..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
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