hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
