They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
