Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
